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[08 Jul 2007|01:51pm] |
i regret the last time we hung out.
you told me that i was being difficult
and you had barely kissed me goodnight.
i never thought that would be the last time.
life is weirdddd.
i'm leaving june 6.
i won't be here all summer :(
that's weird too.
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[16 Jun 2007|05:39pm] |
i'm done with this city.
may 28..hurry up!
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[12 Jun 2007|10:50pm] |
i hate making decisions and not knowing the outcome.
i'm ready to move to austin.
i am desperate for a change.
i'm going to become a better person.
sometimes when i think about you, i miss you.
i miss the cute dates we went on.
it's weird to think that you're really gone.
i'm not going to my senior prom.
i pretend like i don't care, but i do.
i need to learn how to love things for what they are.
it's scary how fast someone can be taken away from you.
life today..it's there for you.
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[02 Apr 2007|10:47pm] |
i'm happy with my life.
it hasn't really hit me that you're gone.
but for some reason, i don't care.
i got into ut, the only place i really wanted to go.
so ready to graduate, and move to austin.
still can't decide if i want to go to camp this summer.
right now i'm thinking i do, i just feel bad leaving.
i don't even know why i do, but i do.
i really like my life as of now.
"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back,
maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."
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[01 Mar 2007|01:30pm] |
i've come to the conclusion, that everyone has their imperfections. there is no one out there that is perfect. i think these imperfections are what make us who we are; they define us. i can sit and think, "what the hell did i do wrong?" and go over the millions of possibilities of things i could have done differently, but i now know that i can't take back what happened. i'm not sorry i met you and i'm not sorry i fell for you. i'm glad i had at least sometime with you before we went our seperate ways. and no matter how much i can sit and wonder..why could you be with her and not me? i will never know that answer. i want to yell at you sometimes and tell you how much of a hypocrite i think you are, but in a way, i know i won't. i'm so thankful that i can at least still be your friend right now. i know i'm going to be sad when you leave but.."You and I will meet again, when we're least expecting it, one day in some far off place, I will recognize your face, I won't say goodbye my friend, for you and I will meet again".-Tom Petty<3
i've made some bad decisions in the past, and i honestly couldn't tell you whether or not i regret them, but rather that these choices, mistakes or not, are building me into the person i am. i have lost too many good friends in the past, that were so important to me, to know that somethings just aren't worth it. you have to worry about the important things, and spend less of your time worrying about things that won't matter in 3 years.
life works in mysterious ways.
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[08 Jan 2007|09:49pm] |
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there are so many things i wanted to say to you, but then i'm around you and you say something stupid about how you know my favorite color is green, and all i want is to be safe in your arms again. but i can't, and it's killing me. everything made sense when i was with you. but you stopped talking to me, and gave up on my with no explanation. and now you pretend as if nothing ever happened. but god i miss you so much.
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[22 Dec 2006|02:10pm] |
i'm not sure how i always manage to mess things up with the people i care about. i'm sorry. i wish i could just go back and change everything i did wrong, whatever it is.
on another note- i got my wisdom teeth out on wednesday and my mother hurts. alot.
hope you're all having a good winter break.
i can't wait till monday to be with my jews.
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[11 Dec 2006|06:04pm] |
i like how us not hanging out this weekend was my fault. "yeah we were supposed to go out on saturday but ALLISON never called me". why can't you pick up a damn phone. it's NOT THAT HARD. god grow up.
on saturday i drove to my work christmas party, started crying, turned around and left. i spent my entire night blowing people off and crying in my room. apparently, feeling sorry for myself is the only thing i'm good at anymore. and according to my mom, that's all i've done this semester. my apoligies for not being happy all the time anymore.
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[10 Dec 2006|11:55pm] |
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i am falling for a boy who is leaving for the military in who knows how long. i am so stupid. i am stupid because he doesn't want to hurt me, but all i want is to be with him. i want him to care about me, i want him to call me. but he won't. because he doesn't want to hurt me. and it's such bullshit that i keep trying when i know i'm getting no where. why did you start this in the first place? why did you make me fall for you only to tell me that you don't want to leave me empty handed, and hurt. well look, i still am both of those things, just a few months sooner. why did you start this? please, i'd really like to know.
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[30 Nov 2006|02:12pm] |
life does funny things sometimes.
there's no way to explain them,
no way to understand them,
& no way to to ever hold on to them forever.
so live for the moments like those.
try hard not to live in the past..
because those memories just haunt you,
and make you wish you had done things differently.
you were the first guy i ever truly cared about.
i'm glad i even got the chance to be with you.
i'm sorry i messed things up, but in the end,
i'm sure it happened for a reason.
you are happy with her, i am happy with him.
so maybe it all worked out for the best.
i will always remember you, and what you meant to me.
so thank you. thank you for giving me what you did.
but now it is time to move on,
and stop living in those memories.
these past few months, i've grown.
i've learned who my true friends are.
i've learned a lot about myself & who i am.
and none of this would have been possibly without you.
so this funny thing we like to call life..
is continuing on. sure there is bumps and bruises..
but i'm going to make it through.
& enjoy myself at the same time.
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[23 Nov 2006|06:52pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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nothing ever goes right anymore.
normally i'd say that i'm thankful for all the amazing friends i have and blah etc.
but honestly, this year, i'm thankful for my parents & my sisters.
they never let me down. no matter how much i screw up.
& i'm sorry for whatever i did.
i always seem to mess things up.
i really am not ready to loose you yet.
let me hold on to what's actually right in my life.
please don't let me go. not yet at least.
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[02 Nov 2006|02:18pm] |
i'm perfectly fine until i see you.
your beautiful eyes make me melt.
and sometimes i can't help but wonder..
what my life would be like if i was still with you.
i'm moving on.
i need to move on.
i've moved on.
i don't want to get my hopes up..
but there's kinda a new boy :]
i miss:
grandma
katie d
schaffen
racho
rachel
sylvia
stephen
josh k
parker
justin
little josh
marcos
natalie
adam e
jess
johnathan
mike
adam g
sammy
aaron s
aaron w
nowicki
grace
analisa
heather
maddie
daniella
david
kelli
emma
yoav
omri
jake
allison
eleanor
molly
elicia
leslie
jamie
benny
sam
the list could continue forever.
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[25 Oct 2006|04:00pm] |
i wish i could say that i'm happy for you.
and i am. i'm glad that everything worked out for you
and that you're with a girl that makes you happy.
but everytime i see you. or your picture..
i can't help but think about what it would be like
if we were still together. would i be happy?
maybe i would still have my best friends.
maybe i'd be more confident, more self assured.
i miss having you. i miss being with you.
i know i need to move on. and i have.
i go days without thinking about you.
but still sometimes, i just miss it.
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[11 Oct 2006|08:17pm] |
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i can honestly say i have never been this unhappy in my life. i've lost every good friend i've ever had. it's like i drive them away from me or something. i've made an effort to keep you in my life yet you could care less. someone better comes along and you completly erase me from your memory. i am so lost. i hate it here. i hate san antonio. i hate school. i hate english. i'm failing for the first time in my life. what happened to me? this isn't me. i don't care about anything anymore. i spend my weekends working and staying home feeling miserable. i'm not happy. and i want to be. i don't want to live here anymore. i thought senior year was supposed to be the best year ever, then how come it's so shitty? how come i have no friends in this damn city that actually cares enough about me to drop someone else for 5 minutes to see how i am. i just want to rewind the the beginning of june when everything was perfect. he was the closest to happiness that i've ever been. i was so happy with him. i didn't deserve to loose him. i didn't deserve to loose my best friends. i don't deserve any of this. i'm tired. i'm tired of being miserable. i want to go out and have fun like i used to. i want to want to spend time with my best friends. and i still do not, and will never understand, why girls have to put their boyfriends before their girls. i don't understand. maybe it's because i've never been in a true relationship but i don't understand it and i hate it. i just wish i could go back to normal. be myself again. i really just want to be happy again.
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[13 Sep 2006|10:43pm] |
woww reading my last entry makes me think about how much has changed. i feel like i am a competly different person since i wrote that. i loved camp, i wish i was still there. life seemed to make perfect sense. i can't believe i didn't want to leave. and all for a boy. for a boy who could care less about me now. i miss him. i know i shouldn't, but i do. he's moved on and so should i. i'm trying. i learned so much about myself at camp. this sounds soo lame but i feel as if i grew as a person.
homecoming this weekend.
i don't have a date.
i thought i would be going with you.
but i'm going to have fun anyways.
i don't need you.
maybe i miss your kiss just a little bit
moral of this entry, LIFE GOES ON.
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[05 Jun 2006|09:02pm] |
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mood |
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i leave in 6 days. and i'm not ready to go. for once in my life, i'm somewhat happy. i have a group of girls i love to hang out with, i've been meeting soooo many new people, and having fun everynight. i'm enjoying new things all the time, and i have FRIENDS. when i made the decision to go to camp both sessions, i had like 5 friends. okay not literally but you know what i mean. i was lost. i've finally found myself a place and now i have to go. i don't want him to forget about me all summer. even though we aren't even together, i don't want him to move on. i want myself to move on and find someone else, but i don't want him to. is that selfish? camp has always been my get-away place. a place i can run to when life at home sucks. but for once, i'm not ready to run away.
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[01 Jun 2006|07:54pm] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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all i want is for things to go back to how they were.
is that so much to ask for? please.
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[31 May 2006|10:47pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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EVERYTHING IS FALLING APARTTTTTTTTTT.
please let something good happen this week.
thank you.
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[27 May 2006|09:44pm] |
so here goes my update:
life sucks.
i feel like i hardly even know my best friends anymore.
boys are possibly the most confusing thing in the world.
i'm scared i won't pass my lifeguarding course.
i miss my jews so much it's not even funny.
i'm scared i'm going to loose you, and it scares me that i feel that way.
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| I lied. |
[03 Apr 2006|10:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad,mad,angry,hurt,confused. |
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| [ |
music |
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damien rice |
] |
how do you get over something
...you never really had?
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